One day a very wealthy and prominent land baron was strolling a fertile valley in the countryside. He was known to be very greedy and lazy and he held many hostage in his control. He owned the finest farm land for miles around and sharecropped to poor families with many children. It was a cheap form of labor and he prospered greatly at the sweat of others.
He gloried in the fact that he could make many grovel at his beck and call as they feared being left without the means to feed and provide for their families. He had heard of one man with seven sons who had prospered in spite of all that he had done to put and keep him down. He stroked his chin and devised a wicked plan.
He stopped in front of the simple and humble dwelling of this man. "James!" he shouted angrily. "James, get out here now!"
A very handsome man, tall and regal in his bearing, stepped to the front doorstep from his home. His black hair blew slightly in the breeze and his steely blue eyes pierced deeply the heart of the land baron. He stood six foot four inches tall and his muscular arms showed the hard work he endured daily. His wife and children came out and stood beside him.
"James Mangan, I have come to strike a deal with you!" he grinned wickedly. "I know that you are prospering upon my land and I hear that you have the finest Ass in this entire valley that you use to do your work with."
James listened and a grin spread on his face at what the wealthy land baron had just said. His children and wife tried hard to hide the snickers. Jame's eyes twinkled as he listened further to the land baron's demands.
"I want your Ass now!" he demanded. "I have been walking all morning and I want to sit on an Ass and be carried home in a fashion becoming to me." His real intent had not been made known to James but James was wise and would not idly give this man his fine Ass.
"I will let you have my fine Ass upon one condition." James stated clearly. "You must sit on the Ass until you are back home again and then you will own my Ass. You must comply with this one condition or agree that I own my land and you will kiss my Ass thereafter!"
The wealthy land baron sniffed at the idea. "Hmmpft! How presumptious of you James Mangan, but I agree to those conditions." Already he was laughing at the prospects that his plan had worked so well and he would own James Mangan's Ass and would take away his advantage and prosperity.
The oldest son Dermat led the fine Ass to the land baron. He helped him get on his Ass and they watched as the Ass went down the road at a fairly quick pace. James and his family broke out in peals of delighted laughter, for they knew the weakness of their fine animal.
"Does anyone want to tag along with me and watch the fun?" James asked his family. They promptly took up stride with their father. James made sure they stayed back far enough so as not to be detected by the land baron on his fine Ass.
The land baron soon rode into the town. He was proud of his fine Ass and wanted to publicly display it to all. He remembered that he could not get off his Ass so he sat there a moment and the fine Ass sat down in the middle of the town where all could see. He angrily tried kicking his Ass and get it to move but still he sat on his Ass.
He soon heard the taunts of the crowd that now gathered. "What a fine Ass you have, sir! He also looks like a very smart Ass to me!" The crowd broke into loud raucous laughter at this comment. They all knew the reputation of the land baron.
"Is he a lazy Ass?" another asked. "Or just a stubborn Ass?" Others joined in the continual taunting. The poor land baron would not budge either. He remembered James Mangan's words to him. There was no way he would move.
"You dumb, stupid Ass, you!" he cursed aloud. Tears were rolling down cheeks on the faces in the crowd now. James Mangan walked up to the land baron and smiled mischievously at his next words. "James Mangan! What kind of Ass is this I sit upon? It surely can't be a wise Ass! It has done nothing but embarrass me."
James had heard enough. He stood up tall and magnificent as his eyes again pierced the land baron's angry stare. "We made a deal," James said. "You were to sit upon your Ass until you arrived home where you could then get off. If you failed to do this, my land as well as my Ass would be mine and you would have to kiss my Ass!"
The crowd broke out in laughter again. James continued, "All you needed to do to get where you wanted to go is to get off your Ass!"
The land baron did not hesitate to think about what he was doing. He hopped off his Ass and immediately the animal stood up. Everyone had heard the words of the deal that had been made. Jeers were heard, "Come on sir...kiss his Ass!" The land baron promptly leaned over and kissed his Ass as agreed upon. The entire crowd witnessed what had happened and he could not back out of his deal.
James looked intently into the land baron's eyes and said, "All one need do to get somewhere in life is to get off their Ass...and it does not hurt to pat one's Ass once in a while!" James grinned as he patted his fine Ass and it took off at a quick trot for home.
The crowd cheered. James Mangan was a hero that day. He looked around at his family as they hugged him. But he remembered what had made it all possible...the wealthy land baron sitting on his Ass!
By Laurelrose on Tuesday, February 23, 1999 - 10:44 pm:
lol thats a good one.. for such a fine story i give to thee one fine bottle of good aged elven wine
By Mstree on Tuesday, February 23, 1999 - 11:06 pm:
Could you make it a bottle of Stoli on the go, LR? Just having fun LM*O...Hehehe! A friend wants me to put this story in the local newspaper...yeah, right! Like I wanna be on the 10'oclock news...
By Lacie on Wednesday, February 24, 1999 - 09:54 am:
By Wun on Thursday, February 25, 1999 - 09:54 pm:
By Guest on Friday, February 26, 1999 - 02:55 pm:
*snickers indeed*.... yet another woeful tale of how "hindsight" is better than.....
*ducks Colleen's anti-pun flamethrower*
By Guest on Sunday, May 9, 1999 - 05:18 am:
mstree... i never laughed so hard in me life! heheheh.... a bottle of mead to help ye on yer journies and to keep yer mind sharp! ^_^
By Celt on Wednesday, July 5, 2000 - 06:27 am:
By Celt on Wednesday, July 5, 2000 - 06:28 am:
or should I say, BRAVA!!!
By David on Tuesday, September 5, 2000 - 07:58 pm:
Well, I really enjoyed it.
By Henjoca on Monday, August 18, 2003 - 08:35 pm:
Here is a link for Celtic Astrology. I am into jackasstrology...get off yer ass and make a difference!
Love and light
By Guest on Tuesday, February 24, 2004 - 07:22 am:
Jackasstrology, indeed! FIR TREE (the Mysterious) -
extraordinary taste, dignity, sophisticated, loves
anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism
but cares for those close to them, rather modest, very
ambitious, talented, industrious, uncontented lover, many
friends, many foes, very reliable
Only a smart jackasstrologist could have pegged me so readily! I miss my readings and my Henjoca!!!
By Laurelrose on Tuesday, March 2, 2004 - 12:25 am:
and me an ELM? oh come on, i am not an ELM, i would have thought a gracefull willow or a wise Oak. but an ELM?
By Guest on Tuesday, March 2, 2004 - 05:32 pm:
perhaps? That might describe you.
By Lacie on Friday, March 5, 2004 - 02:05 pm:
delving into the archives .... always interesting, seldom pertinent.